I FLOPPED THE FOURTH

I don't know what has gotten into me this weekend - oh! Yes I do - too much food!

I just don't know why I suddenly started eating so much. And not even particularly special food. Just so much of it. I even had a stomach ache last night. It has been a very long time since I have had so much to eat that I caused myself pain.

It didn't make me feel better. I wasn't feeling bad. Just sort of bored and at loose ends. I made Tom his special cookies from his sports nutrition book - they are for him to take on bike rides for energy. I tasted the batter. I ate some of the cookies. It just got me going. A taste of this and that. Grazing around. Nothing satisfying because, of course, I wasn't hungry and food wasn't really what I was looking for. I kept telling myself that and then half an hour later I would be wandering into the kitchen again.

It didn't help that I was watching a movie with lots of good food in it, I suppose. (I finally watched "It's Complicated.") And yes, I made that connection, too. But I kept wandering into the kitchen tasting this and that until I went to bed.

Then this morning I was dressed and ready for the gym when I decided to work in the yard first while it was still cool. So I changed and worked in the yard for an hour or so and just when I was about finished, I got a call that Tom's bike had broken down and he needed me to go pick him up. I changed out of my dirty gardening clothes and drove off to get him. By the time we were back I made his lunch and then I made myself a sandwich, too. A whole sandwich on a ciabatta roll. I have not had that in over 8 months.

So was that a expression of my frustration? I suppose so. I couldn't say what I was feeling. I think I am very closed off from my feelings right now. Maybe I am eating to try to stir up some feelings.

I don't know if this is a publish worthy post. No insight. I am wondering If I need to go back on my program for a few weeks to get myself back on track. I have been so on and off this past month and now this.

TRUE CONFESSIONS TIME

I have been doing so well and enjoying so many nice comments and compliments that it is amazing that I have to write this post...

But I have fallen off the wagon and I am having trouble climbing back up.

This is something I wrote about a while ago. I am single minded when on plan, I lose weight, get to a level of success, then start adding a little in here and there and then a little more and then, go on a trip and try to "eat normal" and KA-BOOM. I am out of control. I was actually pretty good on the trip, as I mentioned in my previous post.

I was a little surprised by how much volume I was eating, considering how small my meals have been. The last night there I ate an entire sandwich. It was a lot of food. That was a red flag. So when I got home, I found I was HUNGRY. And craving carbs.

I started back on plan, then I went out grocery shopping and stopped in to Noah's for bagels for the family. I ate 2 of them. I can't believe I ate them! There were warm and soft and then just down my throat... Then I quickly put the rest in the freezer. I made a good dinner and a Rhubarb Crisp for dessert, which I knew was dangerous but I made a small amount and with everyone around I knew I wouldn't eat much of it and I didn't.

But next day, alone at home, I poked and picked around the kitchen all day and was completely off plan. I tried to count the calories to get myself focused, and swore that today would be on plan again. So far, not so good, but better than yesterday!

I hope that this confession will be the thing to get me climbing back up on that wagon - and back to the gym, too!

STILL (MOSTLY) ON PLAN

I have had a couple of days I have gone over plan on the "lean & green" meals. Mosstly when trying to split them between lunch and dinner. I had a brief compulsive eating binge on Sunday night - but I listed all the items and still didn't break 1400 calories. I keep trying to understand these feelings behind these impulses. Trying to find some sort of satisfaction or something. I can't say. Sunday night is always a tense time for me.

I weighed in today and I am down 2 more pounds.