I don't know what has gotten into me this weekend - oh! Yes I do - too much food!
I just don't know why I suddenly started eating so much. And not even particularly special food. Just so much of it. I even had a stomach ache last night. It has been a very long time since I have had so much to eat that I caused myself pain.
It didn't make me feel better. I wasn't feeling bad. Just sort of bored and at loose ends. I made Tom his special cookies from his sports nutrition book - they are for him to take on bike rides for energy. I tasted the batter. I ate some of the cookies. It just got me going. A taste of this and that. Grazing around. Nothing satisfying because, of course, I wasn't hungry and food wasn't really what I was looking for. I kept telling myself that and then half an hour later I would be wandering into the kitchen again.
It didn't help that I was watching a movie with lots of good food in it, I suppose. (I finally watched "It's Complicated.") And yes, I made that connection, too. But I kept wandering into the kitchen tasting this and that until I went to bed.
Then this morning I was dressed and ready for the gym when I decided to work in the yard first while it was still cool. So I changed and worked in the yard for an hour or so and just when I was about finished, I got a call that Tom's bike had broken down and he needed me to go pick him up. I changed out of my dirty gardening clothes and drove off to get him. By the time we were back I made his lunch and then I made myself a sandwich, too. A whole sandwich on a ciabatta roll. I have not had that in over 8 months.
So was that a expression of my frustration? I suppose so. I couldn't say what I was feeling. I think I am very closed off from my feelings right now. Maybe I am eating to try to stir up some feelings.
I don't know if this is a publish worthy post. No insight. I am wondering If I need to go back on my program for a few weeks to get myself back on track. I have been so on and off this past month and now this.
5 comments:
Yes it is publish worthy! You are being honest with yourself and putting it out there. You are thinking it through enough to put the words together. I was struck by the part about "nothing satisfying" because you were not hungry. I have had that happen all too often.
I am going to offer you three things here and you choose which you prefer - first I will give the kind words of support, that you can pick yourself up and move on and we all go through it, yada yada yada. Second I will give you a kick in the pants, in case that is really what you need. And third, I will offer up what I would do if I was rationally thinking this through for myself and had any willpower left - I would go back to my basic plan (or program) and do what I knew would work, much as I thought I could get on track with smaller, baby steps.
Hugs.
Recording what's going on, even when you don't have any answers, may help you pick up on patterns or triggers.
Whenever I feel myself straying too much, I go back to my 'loss plan' for a few days. It helps me feel more "in charge." When I'm feeling more steady, I go back to 'mainteance plan.' (It's just like the loss plan, only without a weekly brownie. :))
I think Karen offers good advice (as usual!) especially the third one - if you're thinking you should go back to basics, you probably should...
Absolutely, totally, 100% worthy of posting!!!! This is such a familiar situation in my life too... to find myself grazing, numbly eating, almost like a robot. I don't have an explanation for it. I do know that it's a little different than the kind of obsessive eating that both Karen and I wrote about today... I've always called it sleep-eating, even though I'm awake (in a physical sense of the word). Maybe that would be a key to stopping... to spash my face with cold water or take a cold shower or do something to WAKE UP! Thanks for posting this!
I ate a lot on the Fourth as well, BUT I didn't overeat. I am going to count that as an accomplishment--that I had cake, but only a bite, and a piece of pie, but only small piece.
It is so hard, but I am really watching thin people eat at parties and trying to learn from them.
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